Freddie

When my girlfriend and I moved into our new apartment, there was still a former resident in the place. He was a plant. He may not be a he, but I don't know how to check, so for the sake of argument, he is a he. He was sat on the window sill in the bathroom quietly keeping himself to himself. I had plants at my last place but they started to grow a wispy mould on them which I mistook for a spiders web, and since I'm terrified of spiders, I threw them out. I've never had the patience for plants, but this one was different. He's not too tall, and has thick, juicy, tear-shaped leaves. I would shower and look at him sitting there on his window sill and I'd say 'Doug, it isn't your plant. Why the hell should you take care of it? It ain't your problem' but then he started to get dry and droopy. My bathroom buddy was dying. I felt terrible that I had the power to bring this guy back to life, but up until that point I hadn't done anything about it. It's like having a puppy living in your house but you won't feed it because it isn't yours to feed and that's just bullshit. So I started watering him with cups of water. He perked up, but his leaves were still kind of grey and dry looking, so one day I stuck him in the bathtub and held the showerhead over him and rained on him for a while. I wonder when, if ever, the last time he had been rained on was.
That really seemed to help and after a few days (maybe weeks) he was looking healthy, turning slowly toward the sun and his leaves were big and juicy looking again. I stopped watering him with a cup and instead, I'd pick him up and hold him in the shower with me and feel the cold water draining out of the soil as I replaced it with warm, shower water. I don't know if this is good or bad for the plants, but my logic was that tropical plants get warm water and they're huge, so it must be good. His body leant heavily to one side now as he faced the sun coming through the window. I turned him to face away from the sun, but over time he slowly grew up and leant petulantly to the other side. He seemed taller when he did that, so every now and again I turn him so he can grow upwards. I don't know how much sense there is to this, but he looks great.

I called him Freddie because it's a very generic name for objects and I couldn't think of anything more original. That's ok with me, and Freddie doesn't seem to mind.
Soon Freddie will outgrow his plant pot so I'll need to take him down to Colombia Road Flower Market near Shoreditch and get him repotted.

I love Freddie, Freddie loves me, we're as happy as can be.