3 Animals that I Hate

Small Dogs

Before you get all judgemental on me, I love dogs - I am truly the biggest fan of man's best friend and there have only been about 6 years out of my 25 year-long life when I haven't had one. However, small dogs are not dogs. They are rats. Stupid, small, yappy, horrible, bug-eyed rats. They are skittish, ugly and neurotic and I won't have one in my house. My girlfriend wants a chihuahua! Can you believe that? A fucking Chihuahua! It can fit inside a damn teacup! What if I ruin a perfectly good mug of coffee by pouring it all over a distugsting rat-dog hiding in my coffee cup? I want a Border Collie - one of those sheep dogs of decent size - not too big so that it can't fit in the car and exiles me from my own bed, but not so small that it can fall down the plug hole in the bathroom sink, and intelligent enough so that it doesn't interfere with my coffee making and can gather up lost sheep if the need arises. A dog for all occasions.

Pigeons

Now this doesn't apply to wood pigeons, only those dirty black city pigeons. Now, I know a bird's gotta eat, I'm not passing jugement on their diet of vomit and spilled kebab, but I draw the line when I see a pigeon eating KFC. IT'S YOUR COUSIN FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!! Cannibal pigeons... I don't know what the world is coming too. And another thing that bothers me is when I see a boy pigeon trying to hit on a girl pigeon. There's a type of bird in the rain forest (or somewhere) that buils a home -well it's more like an art gallery actually- in order to impress his prospective mate. He builds this roof of sticks (it's all very intricate) and lines the floor with the shiniest black beetle shells and most colourful petals that he can find, creating this fucking paradise of a house, and he just sits and waits patiently. Then there's the city pigeon who puffs up his neck and dances around trying to corner the girl pigeon before stamping on her neck and raping her at a bus stop in broad daylight. I've seen similar things happen at night clubs, but I never expected such things from my feathered bretheren. You pigeons disgust me.

Spiders

I know I'm not alone here. These guys have 8 legs, 10 eyes, spin a sticky trap from a hole in their ass and hide in dark corners waiting for unexpected prey to get entangled in their web of doom before sinking their fangs into them and turning their insides into soup. Yes, the spider is indeed the minion of Satan and proof that God doesn't exist (because if he did, he wouldn't be so cruel as to create something as fucked up as the spider). If you see a contradiction in what I just said there ("you can't have Satan without God and I just said that the spiders were the minions of...blah blah blah"), I don't care and you can go fuck yourself. They hide under toilet seats, they can move all these legs in a weird way, their knees are above their heads, and the average human is said to eat 8 of these things in a lifetime. I just hope to God (the one that doesn't exist) that isn't true. Anyone who likes spiders is sick and badly needs to see a psychiatrist; it's like saying you find Jeffrey Dahmer charming.